retirement planning15 mins read

Talk to Aging Parents About Retirement & Care

A step-by-step guide to initiating honest conversations with your parent about retirement, finances, and long-term care preferences.

Tiatun Tiatun

Written by

Tiatun Tiatun

Founder of The Care Ratings

TCR Editorial Team

Edited by

TCR Editorial Team

Editorial Review Team

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Adult child and aging parent sitting at a kitchen table discussing finances and paperwork together.

GPT Image 2 / The Care Ratings illustration.

How to Talk to Your Parent About Retirement Planning and Their Care Preferences

Key Takeaways

  • Only 43% of U.S. adults have discussed who will provide their care, and just 39% have discussed how care will be paid for — leaving most families unprepared.
  • Early conversations about retirement, finances, and care preferences reduce stress during transitions and help families make informed decisions before a health crisis.
  • Focus on three areas: your parent’s wishes (where they want to age, preferred care settings), financial information (account locations, income sources, insurance, debts), and timeline (current retirement status, planned date).
  • Gather key legal documents: durable power of attorney for finances, health care power of attorney, living will, and advance health care directive.
  • Use respectful, non-pressuring language, acknowledge discomfort on both sides, and consider starting with email or a written conversation starter if in-person feels too uncomfortable.

Why These Conversations Matter — And Why Most Families Avoid Them

Adults who've discussed who will provide care

43%

Adults who've discussed how care will be paid for

39%

Adults 65+ who've discussed caretaking

52%

Adults 65+ who've discussed paying for care

48%

The majority of American adults have never had serious conversations about who will care for them or how long-term care will be paid for.

Source: Kaiser Family Foundation, 2022 Long-Term Care Affordability Survey

The first steps of retirement planning — for many families — aren’t about investment accounts or Social Security filing dates. They’re about a conversation that most people keep putting off.

As of a 2022 survey by the Kaiser Family Foundation, only 43% of U.S. adults had ever had a serious discussion with a loved one about who will take care of them if they need help. Fewer still — just 39% — had talked about how that care would be paid for. Even among adults 65 and older, roughly half had not had either conversation.

Those numbers say something important: this isn’t a failure of love. It’s a failure of opportunity. Most families haven’t had these conversations because no one set a time for them.

The delay has real costs. As of July 2025, there are 63 million family caregivers in the United States — a figure that has grown nearly 50% since 2015, according to the AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving. Half of those caregivers report a negative financial impact from the role. A quarter are taking on debt.

Many of those outcomes trace back to the same root cause: the conversation didn’t happen until a crisis made it impossible to avoid. According to AARP’s May 2026 guidance on financial conversations, financial advisers suggest these discussions should ideally start when adult children are still in their 20s — because accidents and health events don’t wait for a convenient time.

This article won’t manage your parent’s finances or draft their legal documents. What it will do is give you a framework for starting the conversation — the questions to ask, the documents to locate, and the words to say when it feels hard to begin.

What You Need to Know Before the Conversation

The financial reality: Why timing matters

Understanding the financial stakes can make it easier to find the courage to have this conversation. The numbers are significant.

CategoryValue
Home care costs50%
Assisted living costs50%
Adult day services33%
Nursing home costs25%
Older household income (65+)22%
Long-term care costs have outpaced income growth for older adults by 2–3x since 2019, making early financial planning critical.

Source: AARP Public Policy Institute, Long-Term Care Affordability Report, June 2026

According to the AARP Public Policy Institute’s June 2026 affordability report, home care and assisted living costs rose nearly 50% between 2019 and 2024. Nursing home costs rose 25% over the same period. Household income for adults 65 and older grew just 22% — less than half the rate of care cost increases. In the 12 months from May 2025 to May 2026 alone, home care costs jumped another 7.9%, according to U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics data cited in the same report.

The national median rate for assisted living is now $6,200 per month and $74,000 per year, according to the American Health Care Association, an industry trade group representing nursing homes and assisted living facilities. Meanwhile, the median financial assets for households ages 75 and older sit at roughly $50,000, according to the AARP PPI report. A single year of assisted living would exceed most older households’ entire savings cushion.

For more on how Medicare coverage for seniors does — and mostly doesn’t — cover long-term care costs, see our detailed breakdown.

According to AARP’s analysis citing the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 56% of adults who turned 65 between 2021 and 2025 are expected to need long-term services and supports at some point in their lives. That’s the majority — and most families haven’t planned for it.

What your parent likely doesn’t know about Medicare and long-term care

One reason many families haven’t planned is a widespread misunderstanding about what Medicare covers. A peer-reviewed study indexed on NIH PubMed Central found that 61.6% of adults over 50 who might need long-term care incorrectly believe Medicare pays for nursing home care. It generally does not cover extended custodial care. Medicaid — which is means-tested and varies significantly by state — is the primary public payer for long-term services and supports. Understanding this gap is one reason why a financial conversation with your parent needs to happen before a health event forces the issue.

The Three Things You Need to Discuss

When families sit down to talk about aging and care, the conversation typically covers three areas: wishes, financial information, and timeline. Each one matters on its own. Together, they give you a picture that’s actually useful for planning.

1. Their wishes: Where do they want to age?

Start here. It’s the least threatening entry point, and the answers will shape everything else.

CategoryValue
Home with family only55%
Home with paid professional only44%
Assisted living facility29%
Nursing home11%
Most adults 50+ prefer aging in place with family or paid care at home — but nearly half expect a move will eventually be necessary.

Source: AARP 2024 Home & Community Preferences Survey

According to AARP’s 2024 Home and Community Preferences Survey — which surveyed 3,090 adults via the NORC AmeriSpeak Panel in June and July 2024 — 75% of adults age 50-plus want to stay in their current home for as long as possible, and 73% want to remain in their communities. Only 29% say they would choose assisted living if they needed long-term care, and just 11% would choose a nursing home.

But the same survey found that 44% of adults 50-plus expect a move will eventually be inevitable. There’s a gap between what people want and what they expect — and that gap is exactly where a family conversation can help.

Questions to ask:

  • “Where would you want to live if you needed help with daily tasks?”
  • “If you couldn’t stay home safely, what kind of setting would feel right?”
  • “How important is staying close to your current neighborhood?”

For a comparison of assisted living vs. independent living options, including what each type of setting provides and costs, see our full breakdown. Our guide on in-home versus nursing home care also walks through the practical tradeoffs of each setting.

2. Financial information: What accounts and insurance do they have?

This is where most families hesitate longest. According to AARP’s May 2026 guidance on financial conversations, adult children often avoid money and estate-planning talks because they worry about seeming self-interested, don’t want to question their parents’ abilities, or want to respect their privacy. Those are understandable instincts. But the goal here isn’t to take over — it’s to know where things are so you can help when help is needed.

The information you’re looking for includes:

  • Sources of income (Social Security, pension, retirement accounts, rental income)
  • Location of financial accounts and who holds them
  • Existing debts or outstanding loans
  • Life insurance and long-term care insurance policies
  • A sense of whether they’ve done any estate planning

This list is what financial advisors typically recommend discussing — not legal or financial advice. A professional advisor in your state can help prioritize what’s relevant to your parent’s situation.

The same AARP resource notes that half of adults over 50 have not undertaken the usual steps for long-term care planning, citing a study indexed on PubMed Central, and only 27.2% had appointed a durable power of attorney for health care. You’re not asking your parent to do everything at once. You’re asking them to let you know where to look.

3. Timeline: When are they planning to retire, and what’s their expected lifespan?

The final piece of the picture is time. According to AARP citing Social Security Administration actuarial data, the average U.S. man who reaches age 62 lives to about 81.5, and the average woman to about 84.5. That’s a retirement of 20 or more years for most people — and potentially a decade or more of care needs near the end.

If your parent is already retired, the question shifts from “when” to “how” — how are they managing financially, and do they have a plan for when their needs increase? If they’re not yet retired, ask about their target date and whether they’ve looked at what their income will be after they stop working.

How to Start the Conversation: Sample Scripts and Email Templates

Knowing you need to have this conversation and actually starting it are two different things. Most adult children delay not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to begin without it feeling intrusive or alarming.

The AARP resource on financial conversations with aging parents suggests framing the conversation as preparation rather than intervention — making clear you’re asking because you want to be helpful, not because you’ve concluded they can’t manage on their own.

In-person: Starting the conversation

Choose a low-stakes moment — not right after a health scare, not at a family gathering. A quiet afternoon works better than a holiday dinner. Lead with your own experience, not their situation.

A sample opener:

“Mom/Dad, I’ve been thinking about how much I don’t know about your financial situation and what you’d want if something happened. I’m not worried — I just want to understand so I can actually help you if I ever need to. Can we find some time to go through it together?”

That framing does three things: it names your uncertainty (not theirs), it signals care rather than alarm, and it asks for permission rather than demanding access.

If they’re resistant, don’t push in the same conversation. Acknowledge the discomfort — “I know this feels awkward” — and let it sit for a few days before circling back.

Email: An alternative opener

For families who are geographically spread out, or where in-person conversations tend to escalate, email can be a useful starting point. It gives your parent time to think before they respond.

A sample email:

Subject: Something I’ve been wanting to talk about

Hi Mom/Dad,

I’ve been doing some reading about how families handle finances and care planning as they get older, and I realized I don’t know very much about your situation — or what you’d want if you ever needed more help. I’m not worried about anything specific. I’d just feel better knowing we’d talked about it.

Would you be open to a phone call or visit where we could go through a few things together? I’m not trying to take over anything. I just want to understand so I can actually be useful if the time comes.

No rush at all — just wanted to put it out there.

Love, [Your name]

That tone — calm, not urgent, explicitly non-threatening — reflects what the research on financial conversations consistently recommends: frame it as preparation, not crisis management.

Once your parent is open to the conversation, there are specific documents commonly recommended in long-term care planning guides. According to AARP’s Caregivers’ Legal Checklist, last updated September 2024, the documents many families create include:

  • Durable power of attorney for finances — allows a trusted person to manage financial matters if your parent can no longer do so themselves
  • Health care power of attorney — designates who can make medical decisions on their behalf
  • Living will — documents their wishes about end-of-life care
  • Advance health care directive — a broader document that combines living will and health care proxy functions (requirements vary by state)

Which documents are necessary, how they are structured, and how they are executed depends on your state’s laws. A licensed elder law attorney in your parent’s state can advise which of these documents apply to your situation and how to create them properly.

A study indexed on PubMed Central found that only 27.2% of adults over 50 had appointed a durable power of attorney for health care, and just 23.7% had identified potential future caregivers. These documents don’t have to be in place before you talk — but knowing they don’t exist tells you something important about what needs to happen next.

State law governs how these documents are structured and executed. A licensed elder law attorney in your parent’s state is the right person to help create them. This article describes what the documents are — it does not constitute legal advice.

Handling Pushback and Difficult Emotions

Not every parent will respond warmly to this conversation — even when you approach it carefully.

According to AARP’s reporting on financial conversations between adult children and aging parents, some parents resist because they don’t want to appear incapable, others because they fear losing control, and others simply because talking about aging and death is uncomfortable for everyone involved.

That discomfort is real, and it runs in both directions. You may be worried about seeming money-focused or presumptuous. They may be worried about what the conversation implies. Both reactions make sense.

A few things that help:

  • Name the awkwardness directly. “I know this is a strange thing to bring up” takes away some of its power.
  • Make it about you, not them. “I’d feel better knowing” is less threatening than “you need to tell me.”
  • Don’t try to resolve everything in one conversation. The first conversation succeeds if it opens the door. You don’t have to walk all the way through it.
  • Accept partial information. If they’ll tell you where the insurance policies are but not the account balances, that’s progress. Take it.

For families managing more complex care situations — multiple siblings, blended families, or a parent with early cognitive changes — our guide on coordinating care among multiple providers covers strategies for keeping everyone on the same page.

If your parent declines to engage and you’re concerned about their ability to manage their own affairs, your state’s Long-Term Care Ombudsman program — funded under the federal Older Americans Act — is a free, independent resource that can help families understand their options. You can find your state’s program through the Eldercare Locator.

Key Takeaway: Early Conversations Reduce Crisis Decision-Making

The first steps of retirement planning, for families navigating an aging parent’s future, often have nothing to do with investment accounts. They start with a conversation.

According to AARP’s analysis, only 28% of adults over 50 have given serious thought to how they might continue living independently if they needed help. As of July 2025, 63 million Americans are already providing family care — and half of them report a negative financial impact from taking on that role unprepared.

Families who have these conversations early don’t eliminate uncertainty. But they give themselves more options, more time, and more ability to act on their parent’s actual wishes rather than guessing under pressure. That’s what this conversation is for.

Important: This is not legal advice. This is not financial advice. This article provides general information about retirement planning conversations, long-term care options, and related financial and legal documents. Eligibility rules, benefit amounts, program details, and legal requirements vary by state and change frequently. Before making decisions about Medicaid planning, long-term care insurance, estate planning, or other financial and legal matters, consult a licensed elder law attorney or a financial advisor who specializes in senior care.

Sources cited in this article:

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